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What does that pain sound like when I finally say it out loud?
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I feeeeeeel
so unimportant to you,
and I am hurting
so, so much.
I wonder
if I even cross your mind
when you get up
in the mornings.
Do you ever wake
and think of me?
Or has my name
become something
you remember
only when you have time?
Always there are excuses
of why.
And I keep listening.
I keep understanding.
I keep making room
for the reasons
you cannot make room
for me.
But somewhere
between the explanations
and the silence,
I began wondering
if I genuinely belong
in your heart
as family.
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Because sometimes
I feel like I am
at the bottom
of your To-Do List,
buried beneath
everything else
that demands your attention.
And I am tired.
Totally burned out.
I can't beg anymore.
I don't want to become
an inconvenience to you.
I don't want your phone calls
because you feel obligated.
I don't want to hear
from you because
you feel pressured
to remember me.
I want to know
that when you reach
for your phone,
sometimes,
you reach for me
because you want to.
So, as hard as it is
for me,
I want to set you free.
No need to worry about me.
No need to think of me
because you feel guilty.
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No need to call
because you think
you have to.
But there is something
I cannot stop wondering.
What happens
when you start working?
What happens
when new people
walk into your life?
What happens
when new friendships
begin to attract
your attention?
Will I become
even smaller
inside your world?
Will the people
you just met
become more important
than the person
who was already here?
And if your attention
toward them
becomes greater,
if your days become
filled with new faces,
new conversations,
new places,
new memories—
then tell me,
without saying
a word,
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Where will I be?
Where will I stand
when there is no longer
a place being made
for me?
Where will I go
with all this love
I was afraid
to ask you to keep?
Maybe I will finally learn
that sometimes
letting go
is not because
you stopped loving,
but because
you finally stopped
begging to be loved
the way your heart
needs to be loved.
And if I have to walk away
from the bottom
of your list,
I pray I will discover
that I was never
at the bottom
of God's.
Where will I be?
Perhaps,
where I should have been
all along—
in God's hands.
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“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.”—
Psalm 27:10 (KJV)
